Your Horoscopes: 13th - 20th June

Gemini

May 21 - June 20

A surprise blow to the face makes you reconsider botox. You develop a strange rapport with a spoon called Eric.

Aires

March 21 - April 19

A generous employee refills your stapler without being asked. A shocking lavatory incident will haunt your dreams for a least a month.

Taurus

April 20 - May 20

An unwitting murder makes you appreciate the benefits of a roll of Bounty and some Fabreeze.

Cancer

June 21 - July 22

A surprise meeting during a routine pirate themed party will leave you wondering if there is more to life.

Leo

July 23 - Aug 22

A biblical vision on Mount Sinai makes you wonder if you are of Welsh origin.  

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sept 22

A broken coffee machine will leave you frustrated but another avenue of hot beverage procurement will reveal itself.

Libra

Sept 23 - Oct 22

Finding balance will continue to prove problematic as you slowly realise you are a monoped.

Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

A relaxing weekend spent watching Netflix will result in a horticultural discovery that will shock the weasel community.

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 21

An impulse purchase will leave you wondering why your aloe vera just died.

Capricorn

Dec 22 - Jan 19

A faux pas at a BBQ will leave you wondering if the purchase of that pantomime horse costume was really worth it.

Aquarius

Jan 20 - Feb 18

A dead halibut in your shower makes you reconsider world-wide fishing quotas.

Pisces

Feb 19 - March 20

A brush with death leaves you wondering whether you should replace your wallet.

Brexit

This clever little portmanteau combining ‘Britain’ and ‘Exit’, (ooh those people in politics are so clever) has been all over the place of late.

It’s a referendum on the issue of whether Britain should exit the EU. See...clever... I think the fact you would get stamps in your passport for going to France or wherever is a BIG reason to leave. Nothing sadder than going through passport control and not getting a stamp right?

Opinion is pretty much evenly divided on the subj. Here are the main themes that people seem to be fighting over.

Reasons to leave;

• EU red tape/regulations.
• It costs 350m GBP per week to be a member.
• EU environmental regulation is annoying.
• The Common Agricultural Policy (CAP). We pay a lot into this and don’t get much back PLUS we get tripped up by a lot of EU red tape.
• The EU wants to set up it’s own army. This is mental. I suggest brown shirts.
• Being in the EU makes it easier for London to get a terrorist attack.
• Most UK laws are made in Brussels.
• Lower migration would push wages up
• Immigration - anyone in the EU can live and work anywhere. This puts UK public services under a lot of strain. Immigration is one of the hottest items in the debate. But only if you are a moron.

Reasons to stay;

• Prices are lower in the UK as a result of EU membership.
• We would have to contribute anyway to keep access to the single market.
• UK universities receive a lot of funding from the EU.
• If we left the EU energy would be more expensive.
• The UK environment is cleaner because of the EU.
• 73% of UK farming exports are sold to the EU.
• It's safer for the UK to stay in the EU in the face of all the terrorism going on.
• Britain retains a veto in many important legislative areas, and realistically some sharing of legislature is needed for the single market.
• We depend a lot more on the EU market in terms of exports than the other way around
• 3 million jobs in the UK are linked to trade in the EU. The UK gets 66m GBP per day of investment from the EU.
• Immigration is good for the economy.

Big businesses are in favour of staying in because it’s a lot easier for them to operate internationally. Fish are a big ticket item. The UK fishing industry has been crippled by EU regulations to prevent both overfishing and fish puns. As a result, the fish are against Brexit but sadly they don’t have the vote as they can’t hold the mini pencils in the voting booths.

Tampon tax has been another one that’s been big in the news. Due to EU regulations, it’s taxed as a luxury item. Now, while that does not affect me, I don’t use tampons but prefer to employ a highly absorbent stoat called Sebastian, this has been lambasted.  Tampons are quite clearly a necessity if you value soft furnishings.

It's a major and highly complex socio-economic debate that people have studied and grappled with for a while. People have devoted their lives to finding a workable European economy. Wars have been fought over it. Reams of carefully researched political analysis have been written on it. Books have been written. Even if we vote to Brexit (yes it's a verb too!) it will be harder than cancelling a gym membership.

Yet, Cameron has put the decision in the hands of the British public. Which is lucky because recently during a brawl at a football match in Marseille some were chanting, “Fuck off Europe we are all voting out.” Happy then that the future of Europe, the EEC and a major western global economy is in their hands. That’s democracy for you.

Macbeth

The Scottish play. Set in Scotland. People die. There are witches and bitches. Woods are moved.

Act I

Macbeth and his mate Banquo (who sounds like a really naff buffet) are going about battling for their King, Duncan.

Having won a battle against the Thane of Cawdor (who is really a chap called McDonald who’s gone all treasonous and apparently borrowed his name from Game of Thrones) they are engaging in a post battle review and some light meteorological chit chat.

As is often wont to happen in these scenarios, 3 witches turn up and reveal the following prophecies.

• That Macbeth will become the Thane of Cawdor and ‘King thereafter’.
• That Banquo will be less than Macbeth but also happier. Less successful than Macbeth but also more. He will father a line of Kings but not be one himself.

The first prophecy is fulfilled straight away. The treasonous Thane is put to death and Macbeth takes the title. Macbeth is all like...whoa man….these bitches are for realz. He tells his wife, Lady Macbeth. Which is a huge mistake as she’s basically a combo of Joan Collins from Dynasty/Margaret Thatcher and immediately gets cracking with a whole ‘murder the King and assume the throne' plan.

Act II

Macbeth, having stabbed King Duncan in his sleep, using the classic ‘get the guards really drunk then stab the motherfucker while they are passed out’ routine, then pussies out completely leaving his wife to do all the evidence planting/dirty work. She’s a dab hand at forensic science so it’s all good.

Macca is then all like, fuck it -  in for a penny in for a groat and goes ahead and kills the guards so they can’t claim their innocence. Then MacDuff and some other nobles (including other claimants to the throne) all flee as they think some sort of serial killer is on the loose. This is taken as a sign of guilt. Macbeth assumes the throne.

So far so good.

Banquo at this point is a little bit WTF. Or ‘och aye’ the fuck. His twitter feed would have been filled with various hashtags probably along these lines;

#RIPduncan #regicide

#LadyMacbethisamadbitch

#I’mnoSherlockHolmesbuti’mgettingthesenseMacbethcouldbeinvolvedwiththis

#wherethehellisPoirotwhenyouneedhim

Then

#susanalbumparty

Just because that’s just still super LOL.

Act III

Having realised that Banquo has gone all Philip Marlowe, Macbeth arranges to have him and his son, Fleance, murdered. He also remembers in the prophecy that the witches said that Banquo would father a line of kings so he wants that sort of thing totes quashed.

He kills Banquo but the Fleance escapes (with the machine) which really pisses Macbeth off. Later, at a banquet, he completely loses his shit. Has a rant at Banquo’s ghost (which no one else can see) and then finally goes completely doolally. Lady Macbeth sends all the people away. Macbeth goes back to the witches. Because they really helped him out so far.

Act IV

The witches summon horrible apparitions just to go hard with this supernatural business. They tell him to beware of Macduff via the use of an armoured head. Classic prop work. They also tell him that he will be safe until some woods (Birnam) move to a hill (Dunsinane Castle) and ‘no-one born of a woman’ can hurt him. Given that both these things seemed completely unlikely...he was ok with it.

I’d have personally avoided the witches at this precise moment and probably gone to see a shrink but HEY HO. Macduff has fled but Macbeth has his whole family and castle posse killed just in case.

Act V

Meanwhile, Lady Macbeth totally loses her shit. Sleepwalking. Wandering about. Supporting Trump. Teeth gnashing is probably happening.

Macduff learns that Macbeth has killed his entire entourage. Isn’t happy.

Prince Malcolm, King Duncan’s son, has not been idle during this time and has raised an army, currently encamped in Birnam Wood. He’s joined there by Macduff and other nobles who use the trees from the forest as their camouflage while they march towards Dunsinane Castle which is where Macbeth is hanging about.

Macbeth, having just been told his wife has killed herself and that all the marriage counselling in the world ain’t solving this one - breaks off into  what turns out to be quite a soliloquy which he claims ‘just occurred to him’. Timely.

He then realises 3 things.

1- Those Birnam Woods are, in fact, moving towards him.

2- Macduff was born by c-section and therefore ‘not of a woman born’ (known as a ‘literary quibble’ or ‘anal nitpicking’)

3- He’s fucked.

He’s beheaded by Macduff and turned into a haggis.  Malcolm - now King, declares that he’s a ‘good guy’ and everyone lives happily ever after.

Work Etiquette: Toilets

This situation assumes what I like to call ‘open cubicles’.

You know the ones where they helpfully don’t build the cubicle dividers to touch the floor so you can see the feet of the person next to you. And hear everything.

Here are some of the things that could happen;

You accidentally guff while peeing.

Your tampon falls off the loo roll dispenser and goes under the divide.

Your tampon falls off the loo roll dispenser and goes under the divide while someone else is there.

You fall off the loo roll dispenser and roll go under the divide*

You wee and forget to take your pants down.

You get your period and don’t have a tampon.

The loo roll runs out.

The loo roll runs out after you just did a massive diarrhea AND got your period.

Your vagina falls off mid pee **

You get attacked by a small badger in a Mao Tse Tung costume***

You end up writing an opera based on the works of Jilly Cooper****

- enough with the scenarios now - Ed.

*unlikely

** see *

***hum

****this is in no way a disaster and should be encouraged

Here are some important things to take note of before entering in the slash zone.

1. By ye shoes shall ye know her. And when it comes to peeing in women’s bathrooms - have a decoy pair in your bag at all times.
2. Poo and flush AT THE SAME TIME. Always. Never let that shit linger.
3. Periods can be tricky. Check your mood before you go in. If you are irrational, irritable, bloated, eating and in the middle of a whatsapp argument with your partner you are probably about to get it so make sure you have a plug for your gash. Or make sure you are in a cubicle with LOADS of bog roll.
4. Get a SheeWee and go pee in the gents just for LOLs.

Sudoku: A view to a kill

Putting different numbers in boxes. For fun.

I like to play the soundtrack from The Imitation Game on while I’m playing, then dress like I’m in the 1940s and pretend I’m at Bletchley Park solving a code.

It can help to do these things as well;

• Pretend you are an eccentric genius and if anyone talks to you just tear clumps of your own hair out and throw a corned beef sandwich at the wall.
• Mutter things like ‘Damn, I need the encryption code from May 18th’
• At random points exclaim ‘A HA! got you now Fritz.’
• Play some Glen Miller.
• Look wistfully at a sepia photo of your chap off fighting at the front (when in reality he’s just popped to the shop)
• Pretend rationing is still on and spend 5 years eating no eggs.

Get the picture?

Ok good.

Now you have established the correct atmos. It’s good to get cracking actually solving the bloody thing.

The best way to do this is with a pencil. With a rubber on the end. By which I mean an eraser. There is absolutely NO point playing with a condom on the end of your pencil. Anyone attempting to do so should be immediately arrested.

The Nub of the Gist.

It’s a 9-9 grid. With 3 cubes of 9 within.

You have to make each cube contain numbers 1-9 WHILE making sure each row also has only numbers 1-9. No repetitions must occur otherwise a giant ocelot will steal your elbows.  

The ocelot can strike at any time so it’s important to be vigilant.

Twelfth Night

 Cast

Viola/Cesario – female cross dressing shipwreck survivor. Twin sister of…

Sebastian – given up for dead until he returns and cocks things RIGHT up.

Duke Orsino – Viola’s employer. Fancies….

Lady Olivia – who is either blind or sexually all over the shop and mistress of….

Malvolio – Servant of Lady O. Duped.

Shipwreck alert! Poor old Viola is very much in the sea without a pedalo but before she's got a chance to befriend any balls named Wilson or grow a beard she is rescued. She then inexplicably takes a leaf from Joan of Arc’s book and decides the best thing to do is pretend to be a man so gets herself up as a page called Cesario so she can serve Duke Orsino, in charge of the island she’s pitched up at.

The Duke fancies a bit of Lady Olivia. She meanwhile, has decided that all men are bastards, largely because they keep dying on her. He decides to use Viola/Cesario as the main tool for professing his love to Lady O. Because nothing says ‘I love you’ like ‘please chat to this transvestite’. This plan proves to be even more bung when the true reason for Olivia being off men is revealed as being that she is in fact a massive lesbo because she immediately fancies the cod piece off Viola. Meanwhile Viola has only gone and fallen in love with the bloody Duke which is a bit of a bummer as he thinks she’s a man which has put the kybosh on flirting.

This next part is all a bit Benny Hill and has absolutely nothing to do with the main part of the plot. A few of the other characters club together to try and make Malvolio believe that Lady Olivia wants to get matrimonial on his ass. They do this after Malvs tries to slap them with an ASBO after they repeatedly sing London’s Burning in a round outside the house in the small hours, which would hack anyone off to be fair.

They basically pull the old, ‘forge a letter from his boss’ routine, with hilarious consequences. He laps it up totally unsuspectingly as you would when your employer randomly asks you to behave like a turd because she loves you. She’s thinking, ‘who’s this tit?’ and tells his mates to sort him out whereupon they lock him up in a loony bin and play him repeats of Last of the Midsummer Wine until he eventually cracks, twigs on to the fact that he’s been had and is within an ace of being dealt a P45, gets shitty again and has to be pacified by a mate of the Duke.

Meanwhile twin brother Sebastian, who like Lord Flashheart is NOT dead, arrives on the scene. Olivia, who apparently really goes for the ‘recently shipwrecked’ look, marries him thinking he is his sister. He can’t believe his luck as he’s not had to put in any leg work at all and she’s apparently a demon in the four poster.

Then after a bit more palava and prefacing sentences with the word ‘ho’ the twins appear in front of both the Duke and Olivia which is a bit awks for everyone as the groat drops. No matter as the Duke and Viola get married anyway to a song with the 'heigh-ho' lyrics that later went on to inspire a Dwarf trade union.

The Credit Crunch

This is now an actual exam question at A-Level. Multiple choice AND it’s a two parter.

Since the dawn of time, man has needed a place to live. Sensibly, we have decided to make this one of the most expensive and difficult things to achieve.

Consequently, many people need to take out a loan in order to procure said hovel.

Cavalier Banks, in order to live up to their tagline at the time, ‘If you have what it takes, you can have it all’ which was later borrowed by the movie ‘Fast and Furious’, have been doling out cash using the highly rigorous and searching interview technique shown below. Here is a typical transcript;

Man – ‘I earn $40,000 a year, what is a sensible loan amount?

Bank – ‘We will loan you ’$320,000’

Man – ‘Awesome’

Bank – ‘Making dreams happen.’

People therefore started snapping up over priced gaffes just for the halibut*

Suddenly, any fin was possible** and the economy went bonkers.

Question 1

Assess the potential risks of this economic model

a)      Is this a trick question?

b)      Howard’s given me extra

c)      I’ve just thrown a double and invaded Russia

d)      None of the above

e)      All of the above

Meanwhile, banks, having apparently forgotten that they were indirectly financing it, started investing money in the booming real estate market. No one thought to check where all this money had suddenly come from. Until….

Question 2

What happened next?

a) During a routine, ‘How much money do we have’, meeting, they realised that a couple of columns on their ‘Profits’ spreadsheet had been hidden by an intern 2 years ago.

b) They floated a penny on the stock exchange and it dropped.

c)  Someone tried to get money out of a cash point and complained when a moth flew out.

d)  They tuned into an episode of Newsnight, were scared witless by Paxman and decided to ‘fess up.

e)  They realised the whole plan was a total bust, that they only owned the Old Kent road card, were sent to jail and didn’t collect £200.

*I reserve the right to make ONE fish pun

**Ok TWO.