Macbeth

The Scottish play. Set in Scotland. People die. There are witches and bitches. Woods are moved.

Act I

Macbeth and his mate Banquo (who sounds like a really naff buffet) are going about battling for their King, Duncan.

Having won a battle against the Thane of Cawdor (who is really a chap called McDonald who’s gone all treasonous and apparently borrowed his name from Game of Thrones) they are engaging in a post battle review and some light meteorological chit chat.

As is often wont to happen in these scenarios, 3 witches turn up and reveal the following prophecies.

• That Macbeth will become the Thane of Cawdor and ‘King thereafter’.
• That Banquo will be less than Macbeth but also happier. Less successful than Macbeth but also more. He will father a line of Kings but not be one himself.

The first prophecy is fulfilled straight away. The treasonous Thane is put to death and Macbeth takes the title. Macbeth is all like...whoa man….these bitches are for realz. He tells his wife, Lady Macbeth. Which is a huge mistake as she’s basically a combo of Joan Collins from Dynasty/Margaret Thatcher and immediately gets cracking with a whole ‘murder the King and assume the throne' plan.

Act II

Macbeth, having stabbed King Duncan in his sleep, using the classic ‘get the guards really drunk then stab the motherfucker while they are passed out’ routine, then pussies out completely leaving his wife to do all the evidence planting/dirty work. She’s a dab hand at forensic science so it’s all good.

Macca is then all like, fuck it -  in for a penny in for a groat and goes ahead and kills the guards so they can’t claim their innocence. Then MacDuff and some other nobles (including other claimants to the throne) all flee as they think some sort of serial killer is on the loose. This is taken as a sign of guilt. Macbeth assumes the throne.

So far so good.

Banquo at this point is a little bit WTF. Or ‘och aye’ the fuck. His twitter feed would have been filled with various hashtags probably along these lines;

#RIPduncan #regicide

#LadyMacbethisamadbitch

#I’mnoSherlockHolmesbuti’mgettingthesenseMacbethcouldbeinvolvedwiththis

#wherethehellisPoirotwhenyouneedhim

Then

#susanalbumparty

Just because that’s just still super LOL.

Act III

Having realised that Banquo has gone all Philip Marlowe, Macbeth arranges to have him and his son, Fleance, murdered. He also remembers in the prophecy that the witches said that Banquo would father a line of kings so he wants that sort of thing totes quashed.

He kills Banquo but the Fleance escapes (with the machine) which really pisses Macbeth off. Later, at a banquet, he completely loses his shit. Has a rant at Banquo’s ghost (which no one else can see) and then finally goes completely doolally. Lady Macbeth sends all the people away. Macbeth goes back to the witches. Because they really helped him out so far.

Act IV

The witches summon horrible apparitions just to go hard with this supernatural business. They tell him to beware of Macduff via the use of an armoured head. Classic prop work. They also tell him that he will be safe until some woods (Birnam) move to a hill (Dunsinane Castle) and ‘no-one born of a woman’ can hurt him. Given that both these things seemed completely unlikely...he was ok with it.

I’d have personally avoided the witches at this precise moment and probably gone to see a shrink but HEY HO. Macduff has fled but Macbeth has his whole family and castle posse killed just in case.

Act V

Meanwhile, Lady Macbeth totally loses her shit. Sleepwalking. Wandering about. Supporting Trump. Teeth gnashing is probably happening.

Macduff learns that Macbeth has killed his entire entourage. Isn’t happy.

Prince Malcolm, King Duncan’s son, has not been idle during this time and has raised an army, currently encamped in Birnam Wood. He’s joined there by Macduff and other nobles who use the trees from the forest as their camouflage while they march towards Dunsinane Castle which is where Macbeth is hanging about.

Macbeth, having just been told his wife has killed herself and that all the marriage counselling in the world ain’t solving this one - breaks off into  what turns out to be quite a soliloquy which he claims ‘just occurred to him’. Timely.

He then realises 3 things.

1- Those Birnam Woods are, in fact, moving towards him.

2- Macduff was born by c-section and therefore ‘not of a woman born’ (known as a ‘literary quibble’ or ‘anal nitpicking’)

3- He’s fucked.

He’s beheaded by Macduff and turned into a haggis.  Malcolm - now King, declares that he’s a ‘good guy’ and everyone lives happily ever after.