Hamlet

Hamlet – MAJOR issues. Probably due his haircut. Best mates with Horatio. Who later went on to great things at the Battle of Trafalgar. This last might be a lie.

Ghost – Hamlet’s Dad. As ghosts go, deficient in lustre.

Claudius – Hamlet’s Uncle. Not very nice. Good fur work.

Gertrude – In the mother stakes she’s at about the Kerry Katona level.

Polonius – GREAT beard. Advisor to Claudius. Has probably sexed up a few documents in his time.

Ophelia – Complete waste of time. Not really worth going into. Daughter of Polonius.

Laertes – Son of Polonius. Slightly more useful. Cack handed.

Gravediggers – Medieval Chuckle Brothers.

Location of events - Denmark

Plot

The play starts with some great medieval sentinel work. Really top stuff. Nothing’s getting past that. Apart from a Ghost. Early signs of Hamlet being a loonbag here as he decides to stick around to see if he can have a chat to it. Derek Acora style. When they finally do settle down for a heart to plasma, the Ghost informs Hamlet that he’s his Dad, that he was murdered by his Uncle Claudius and would he mind awfully avenging his death. Hamlet agrees to this, apparently deciding to overlook it this is now the WORST murder mystery plot in the whole entire world. Also choosing to overlook the fact that his Dad was killed by the old tried and trusted and oft used (!), ‘Poison to the Ear’ method. Yeah.

Meanwhile, Laertes is returning to France. Presumably on some sort of French exchange. Hamlet and Ophelia are an item. Predictably her Father and Brother aren’t happy with her choice of boyfriend. Fair dos I think given that Hamlet is rendered slightly unhinged by the news that his Uncle murdered his Dad and is now shacked up with his Mum. He’s thus taken to bursting into rooms and playing ‘Killing Me Softly’ in his room on repeat.

His Uncle, Claudius, decides that enough is enough after hearing on the grapevine that Hamlet is mad a spoon, so he sends in some of Hamlet’s mates Rosencranz and Guildenstern to see him to find out what the bloody hell is going on. This proves a complete bust as Hamlet smells a rat when they come in and start asking him to talk about feelings and attempt to form a circle of trust.

Not to be deterred, Claudius sends Ophelia in. At which points he drafts a rather elaborate suicide note for her to take down. As suicide soliloquies go this one isn’t half bad actually, ‘To be or not to be etc’. She, however, can’t use a typewriter which is a bit of a bummer as his entire life and indeed the entire play has been leading to this moment. This is too much for poor old Hamlet who really does lose his rag.

So, in summary, here’s what we have; Hamlet doesn’t know if this Ghost is telling him the truth, his Dad’s dead, his Uncle is more evil then Scar from The Lion King and he’s just found out that his girlfriend has a typing speed of 0.5 WPM.

What to do? What would you do? Take advice from a random toupe of actors of course! Which is exactly what Hamlet does. Dramatise your Father’s murder, with side notes and wait to see if the man who did it panics and storms out. Works for Poirot. Which is exactly what happens here. Claudius gamely agrees to be in the audience. Then leaves halfway though at the point where the murder is enacted (poison in the ear). Now, there are 2 schools of thought here. One, he is guilty as sin. Two,  he couldn’t stand any more having seen something similar last week on Denmark’s Got Talent.

No matter as Hamlet is now 100% convinced that he’s a duffer. Pay attention as more happens in this than in an Eastenders Christmas special;

1-Hamlet goes to see Gertrude AKA Mumsie to explain himself. En route his sees Claudius praying….

2- Toys with killing him then decides not to…

3-  Gets into a row with his mum over Nintendo usage before homework

4-  Things get heated

5- Polonius, who’s more of a Playstation man himself, hiding behind an arras calls out for help believing that Hamlet is madder than a balloon.

6-  Hamlet, believing that the man behind the arras is Claudius, stabs him.

7-  Polonius is killed.

8-  Hamlet is arrasted.

9-  Sorry
10- The Ghost pops up again. Tells him to take it easy with Gertie, reminds him to kill Claudius. He and Hamlet have a tete-a-tete in front of G who by now thinks her son is completely off his onion.

Good stuff eh?!

Meanwhile, Claudius is now shitting himself. He sends Hamlet to England. Ophelia has gone totally bonkers, messes about with some herbs and then kills herself. See? Pointless. Her brother, Laertes, returns from France. Claudius decides to set up a fencing match between him and Hamlet. 

What about Yorrick I hear you ask? Well, as the Gravediggers are preparing a grave for Opheila, with much 'to me, to you', Hamlet arrives, joins in the banter and picks up a skull of a jester he once knew and starts talking to it...as you do.

Finally, Shakespeare, fed up to the back teeth of the entire bloody saga, totally loses it here and kills everyone. Here’s how;

Gertrude: Falls for the old poisoned cup routine. As a back up in case Hamlet isn’t killed during the fencing match, Claudius has poisoned a post match cup of wine to offer Hamlet. She drinks it by mistake. Foolish.
Hamlet: Stabbed by the poisoned tip of Laertes’ sword during fencing match.

Laertes: In the ensuing fracas of Hamlet’s stabbing manages to get stabbed himself. Idiot.

Claudius: Stabbed by Hamlet after Laertes reveals the whole plan to him. Then made to drink poisoned wine as well for good measure.

The End.